For almost two days I didn't hear a word from her, my mysterious, meta-er(o)tic telegram penpal whom I have never met ...and who arouses me like nothing else these days. For the last weeks there was at least one message each day, from both of us. I awaited hers eagerly and set it aside as a reward, so that I could dive into her voice after my daily business would be done. So when she didn't write me for one day, and then another day, I witnessed an internal eruption of raging desire: a longing I had not known for a long while. So intense.
I could have told myself that I need to work on my neediness (for sure some mother wound, heal it fast!). I could have made this longing wrong, label it unevolved, immature. I could have feared for my independence. Or try to somehow contact her from that place and try to get a reaction, just so that I could taste another drop of that delicious nectar of her presence and feel less like an abandoned child.
Instead I just decided to have a date with my longing. I invited it onto my bed, gave it all the space it wanted. And it came, and it wallowed, screamed, showed me its monstrous desire. It almost tore me to pieces - and I enjoyed every second of it. Rarely have I felt so alive, so aroused than when I decided to enjoy the fact that I didn't get what I wanted.
Very often, frustration arises within me when I tell myself that I am not supposed to feel sad, angry or disappointed when a wish of mine didn't come true. By censoring these "negative" sensations, I seem to lose the primal energy of the initial desire as well. It leaves behind a feeling of stuckness and emotional draught.
So, note to Self: When there's no pleasure available, try getting off on your yearning for it. Even if there is a full buffet available, not filling your belly rightaway might be even more ecstatic. Maybe the entry point into the longest lovemaking ever. Longing/Anticipation is a core er(o)tic theme for many people and it sure works for me! It also was so delicious to tell her all about my date with myself the day after...
What's your experience with almost unbearable longing? How do you deal with it?
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