Nothing as delicious as to fully surrender to the deepest pleasure, to fall, fall, fall, to let the waves of this huge sensual ocean fully in. Nothing as tempting as to taste every drop of the sweet nectar of lussssst and eros, that medicine that makes me feel so crazy alive.
There also is a self-destructive tendency that wants these waves to tear me apart, a part of me that wants the nectar to be sweet poison that will knock me out, romantically, like in a Wagner opera or a goth novel. I am not so much into this tendency anymore, because I love my body and I like to live, but I still love surrender as well and I am so so thirsty for this nectar.
Is it possible to fully surrender without hurting oneself, to die without dying? Or would this mean to ignore the call of Eros, would this mean not to be committed enough?
It's clear to me that each medicine can also be a drug and even a poison. Especially a powerful one like Eros.
Like with all substances, it seems to be all about the intention and the dosage. And the question whether what you are ingesting allows you to see the world more clearly, to feel more and to be more free - or if it makes you hallucinate, numbs your feelings and in the end creates dependence.
My proposal is to explore erotic mastery. To always make sure that the framework, the container is super safe, that my whole heart and my inner child feel welcome with a person, in a setting. This allows me to really open up fully. If this doesn't apply, I'd rather not interact. I want to surrender with care. Surrender with presence. I know it's possible. And it's delicious. And every time it happens, I DO fall apart, I AM annihilated, but I am not hurt at all, something in me DOES die, but something that I actually want to let go of. I do not hurt myself but rebirth. I heal.